An affair can be a truly devastating thing to a person, and to a marriage – especially affairs with neighbors, friends, or co-workers. If you are the person who had the affair, you’re probably not going to see this issue as a very big deal – you’ll want to forget the entire thing and move on with your life. But you have to understand you broke a very deep bond, and probably years of trust, which is extremely painful.
But with a lot of time, and work, it can be healed. Trust can be rebuilt, if both are willing to take the time. And it will take time – just like it took time to build that trust up to begin with. It will take, and this is not an exaggeration, over a year.
What is recommending in this situation to help is counseling. It will help create a less stressful, less angry environment where you both can talk about what happened, and discuss why.
A Few Trust-Building Tips for the One Who Had the Affair
Building the trust back in your relationship will take a lot of time, but there a few different things you can do to help regain your love’s trust.
• Say What You Mean – Don’t say one thing, but have your body language say another – when trust is so shaky of a thing in a relationship, you need to mean exactly what you say. Men, if your wife asks you if she looks nice, but you care for what she’s wearing, don’t just lie and say ‘you look great’ – tell her she’s a beautiful person, and that you love her. You may just get extra brownie points for that.
• Make a Schedule and Keep It! – Your partner will be suspicious of you a lot more, and will watch what you do, when you do it, and how. Keep a pattern of going to work, going out with friends, etc. Don’t massively change things – when you’re going to be home late, even five minutes, call! Don’t start coming home a half an hour late from work every day without a good explanation, or without informing your partner. In relationships, especially ones that have experienced extra marital affairs, this is extremely important.
• Talk About Needy? – Understand your other’s needs and be accommodating. Respect the fact that he or she will need space, or need you to comfort them. Talk about your needs, too, probably in couples counseling, and you both need to help one another.
You Can Get Through This – Together
You can mend your trust, and learn to love each other again. It will take time, but it may just be worth it.
The important thing is to talk, and openly discuss the affair. Painful discussions will be in the plenty, but you both will be stronger for it. It takes a lot of healing, and those talks can help. Slowly working through problems is the correct way to deal with things, especially in this case.
You can make it work. It can happen.
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6 comments:
Easier said than done. Especially when all you can think about is him in the arms of some faceless woman, doing things that you once thought were only shared between the two of you.
I am married for almost nine years, a few months ago I got involved with another man, via email and phone, at the time I was very unhappy in marriage and this guy said all the things I wanted my husband to say. Well very explicit things were said on email and I started getting sexual feelings towards this guy and I told him how I felt about my husband and marriage, I honestly wanted my marriage to be over. I met this man and we kissed, nothing more, mostly because he didn't want to.
Well after almost 2 months of no contact with this guy my husband found all the emails between the two of us, it really devastated him, I am more hurt at the fact of hurting him than anything else. I apologised profusely, I have tried everything and nothing works. I really and truly love my husband and it took this for me to realise how much. I don't want to lose him but I feel that I have. He is still at home but we sleep in different rooms, he talks to me like normal but wants out of the marriage. In a final desperate attempt I asked him to stay another month, just for me to try make amends with him and try to make him trust me again. He gave me the month. Then last night he came into the room and told me he wants a divorce, I outright refused and said I have a month, which only started this Friday gone, he walked out the room and a few minutes later came back and told me the rea= son why he doesn't want to be with me anymore:
1.he said he can never ever trust me again
2.everything he read in the emails hurt him so much, he would never have done it to me
3.I wrecked our marriage 4.I messed up our kids lives 5.he will give me the month but he will not allow me to pull the wool over his eyes
I have acknowledged everything I have done, and don't intend shifting the blame even though there were reasons for what I did, but my main question is, will he ever trust me and want to be with me again. How can I show him he= can trust me and know that I am willing to work 100% on making up for what I have done, because when I tell him that I love him he reminds me of what I said in the emails.
My husband is very proud and finds it hard to forgive anybody, and I am afraid that my marriage will end because of this,
your story is a very intreasting and painful one. i do understand your feelings... i do. the best line of action for you is to pray for another opportunity with him. God can mend every broken hearts... yes he can just pray and he will come back to you sooner than you expected. the key is your prayer tell God what you want now.
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