Infidelity is a painful ordeal that affects over half of married couples in the US. Many women have compared extra marital affairs with the pain of being abused, raped, or even kidnapped – and they have said that the affair is worse.
There are ways to cope with the pain of infidelity, and you can move on with your life – you can recover. The following are tips, words of advice from men and woman who have dealt with their husbands and wives having affairs with neighbors, friends, co-workers, or someone else entirely. The following have helped them move past the incident in their lives, and hopefully this will help you, too.
• Take Time For Yourself – Take time for yourself – pamper you! Go shopping, golfing, to a spa or get a facial. Take a little bit of time for yourself. Many people who have had a spouse cheat on them feel unworthy, abused, and unloved. Make yourself feel good – go buy something that looks great on you, go dancing or out with friends, just do something that make you feel good about you as a person.
• Talk to Your Partner – It may hurt, but you need to talk with your spouse and create an understanding between you two. Put aside your anger, your jealousy, and your fear – discuss what went wrong with the relationship, and what you’re willing to do to make it right. There will no doubt be a great many painful conversations involved with this, but you need to try – if you two decide not to work it out, it is still good to receive a level of closure with this. If you do wish to attempt to work it out, counseling and long discussions would be a great deal of help – a balm to your wounds, so you might say.
• Take Up Relaxation – Take up something like meditation, or take a yoga class – learning to relax, to empty your head and your heart, would help you feel less anxiety, stress, and anger towards the situation, and it would help you move on towards something better, be it with someone else, with your partner, or with yourself. You can learn to love again, love yourself, and others, and you can trust again.
• Get Out of The House – Get out! Go out with friends, go shopping, dancing, even traveling. Don’t coop yourself up and feel depressed, because that’s not going to help you, or anyone around you. Being active, especially with others, is healthy and fun. Even going to the gym will make you feel good – exercise creates endorphins, and endorphins make you happier. So go on and get out of the house and have a good time.
• Don’t Dwell – Thinking about the affair your spouse had again and again will tear you up, from the inside out. Don’t dwell on what happened – instead, only think about it when it is time, like in counseling, or when you and your spouse are discussing it. Dwelling on it will only hurt you.
You can recover from this, and you can feel good about yourself again, learning to trust and love yourself, your spouse, or even someone new, if that is the route you wish to take. Just remember that it will take time to recover from the pain, and you may never completely get over the situation.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
How to Survive an Affair
An affair is something that can devastate a marriage, and tear two people who where once so very close apart. It is truly one of the most painful things that can happen to a couple.
But you’re not alone – more than half of spouses experience infidelity. A very large percentage of woman and men are forced into excruciating mental pain. But many relationships can survive this painful act, and become stronger – it truly depends on if you can ever trust each other again, and love like you once did.
How Does An Affair Develop?
It causes so much pain – why would anyone inflict something on someone they love and care about?
Affairs most often start with lack of attention in the relationship, due to stress, children, work, or family problems. One member in the relationship feels the need, conscious or subconscious, to look elsewhere for the attention they once felt.
Many find this attention is someone they often see and socialize with – a friend, co-worker, or neighbor. Their comfort and trust with that other person will often turn into something more – it doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you, or doesn’t care anymore. It is something that can happen without the thought of consequences, and without the thought to another.
My Spouse Had Affairs With Neighbors, Co-Workers, or Friends – How Can I Deal With Extra Marital Affairs?
The painful truth is some couples can never recover from an affair. But I strongly warn you against attempting to recover yourselves, if you feel you can continue the marriage – a couples therapist is the best idea.
I know, I know – “A therapist is too expensive”, “A therapist is a stupid idea!”, and of course “Couples therapy would be so embarrassing!” Couples therapy isn’t necessarily expensive (A divorce would surely cost more), and would very much be too expensive to save a marriage?
Counseling is something many, many married couples go through to help strengthen their trust – or to return it to the relationship. It is surely nothing to be ashamed about, and can create a bond between you and your spouse that may be stronger than it ever was.
If you do choose to not explore the option of counseling, and instead attempt to solve this on your own, there are things that might be able to help you.
• Remember that getting so angry with your spouse that you cannot think straight will not help anyone.
• Violence, whether directed at your spouse, your wall, or something else entirely, will never help the situation.
• In the majority of cases, sitting down after you both have had time to calm down and talking about exactly what happened, and where one of you strayed.
• Decide what extra effort both of you can put into the relationship to make it work – after all, a marriage isn’t a one way street. Both of you need to work towards bettering the relationship.
• Relationships take time. This will not heal overnight, and nothing will get better if you don’t accept that it will not come quickly. It might take longer than a year for trust to blossom and grow within the marriage again, so, be patient. If you both work at it, it will come.
Ultimately, you must look into your soul and decide if you can forgive your spouse, learn to trust again, and make your commitment work. These are hard questions, and they will take time, but don’t give up until you get a definite answer, one not based on anger or revenge.
For further information, tips and advice on surviving an affair, you might like to check out Dr Frank Gunzburg's ebook
But you’re not alone – more than half of spouses experience infidelity. A very large percentage of woman and men are forced into excruciating mental pain. But many relationships can survive this painful act, and become stronger – it truly depends on if you can ever trust each other again, and love like you once did.
How Does An Affair Develop?
It causes so much pain – why would anyone inflict something on someone they love and care about?
Affairs most often start with lack of attention in the relationship, due to stress, children, work, or family problems. One member in the relationship feels the need, conscious or subconscious, to look elsewhere for the attention they once felt.
Many find this attention is someone they often see and socialize with – a friend, co-worker, or neighbor. Their comfort and trust with that other person will often turn into something more – it doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you, or doesn’t care anymore. It is something that can happen without the thought of consequences, and without the thought to another.
My Spouse Had Affairs With Neighbors, Co-Workers, or Friends – How Can I Deal With Extra Marital Affairs?
The painful truth is some couples can never recover from an affair. But I strongly warn you against attempting to recover yourselves, if you feel you can continue the marriage – a couples therapist is the best idea.
I know, I know – “A therapist is too expensive”, “A therapist is a stupid idea!”, and of course “Couples therapy would be so embarrassing!” Couples therapy isn’t necessarily expensive (A divorce would surely cost more), and would very much be too expensive to save a marriage?
Counseling is something many, many married couples go through to help strengthen their trust – or to return it to the relationship. It is surely nothing to be ashamed about, and can create a bond between you and your spouse that may be stronger than it ever was.
If you do choose to not explore the option of counseling, and instead attempt to solve this on your own, there are things that might be able to help you.
• Remember that getting so angry with your spouse that you cannot think straight will not help anyone.
• Violence, whether directed at your spouse, your wall, or something else entirely, will never help the situation.
• In the majority of cases, sitting down after you both have had time to calm down and talking about exactly what happened, and where one of you strayed.
• Decide what extra effort both of you can put into the relationship to make it work – after all, a marriage isn’t a one way street. Both of you need to work towards bettering the relationship.
• Relationships take time. This will not heal overnight, and nothing will get better if you don’t accept that it will not come quickly. It might take longer than a year for trust to blossom and grow within the marriage again, so, be patient. If you both work at it, it will come.
Ultimately, you must look into your soul and decide if you can forgive your spouse, learn to trust again, and make your commitment work. These are hard questions, and they will take time, but don’t give up until you get a definite answer, one not based on anger or revenge.
For further information, tips and advice on surviving an affair, you might like to check out Dr Frank Gunzburg's ebook
Ten Tips to Save Your Marriage
Getting married is the easy part – keeping a marriage together is the hard part these days. With work, the kids, stress, soccer practice and homework, it tends to get hectic – so here are ten tips to keep your relationship comfortable, loving, caring one.
1. Make Time – Life is tough, hectic, and unpredictable. With all of the every day stress and pain, it’s hard to make time for one another. But everything seems insignificant if your marriage falls into pieces. You have to make the time to be together, to talk, relax, and reconnect. Make a point once a week to spend a night together, and make sure you never miss it.
2. Show Your Love – Show you love your spouse by giving gifts, compliments, or simply a tight, long, loving embrace every day. A little bit goes a long way, and even your work schedules conflict, or it’s been a long, hectic day, a sweet kiss and a few gentle words will make all the difference in the world. It may seem like something only love sick puppies do, but you know what they say, “The thing you did to get ‘em is the thing you do to keep ‘em.”
3. Don’t Nag – Some people think the more they tell the person to do something, the more motivated that person will be to actually do it, but in relationships, often it’s the opposite. Telling your spouse to do something just before they go to bed and just after they wake up, and all hours between, will not make the person want to do it more! Gently remind your partner about something, but nagging and repeatedly asking will not do anyone any good.
4. Keep the Romance Alive – With many marriages, the heavy load of family, work, and stress makes it hard to keep romance anywhere near. There are small, meaningful things you can do every day that can help you. Sending a small love letter by email, or even writing one out by hand, is something that could mean a lot more then you might know to your spouse. Offer to pamper your spouse with massages or gentle foot rubs after work – without expecting sex to come of it. Let your spouse sleep in late one morning while you do the extra chores, or watch the kids. Little things can mean a lot.
5. Avoid Extra Marital Affairs – Avoid them like the plague! Nothing will hurt a marriage more than having affairs with neighbors, co-workers, or friends! There is always another option, and always keep your spouse, and your spouses feelings, in mind. If you feel the urge to have such affairs, it is very important you and your spouse go through counseling together. It could truly save your marriage.
6. Take Care of You – Spend that extra bit of time on your makeup, or at the gym. It might seem like time wasted to you, but when your spouse comes home and sees you looking great, he’ll want to look at you more often – and you’ll feel better about yourself, too.
7. Communication is Key – Screaming is never okay in a relationship, and neither is getting so angry you can’t think – or see – straight, although I’m sure both happen in the majority of relationships. Sitting down together and talking calmly about the situation at hand is always better than throwing your great grandmother’s china at each other, now isn’t it?
8. Separate But Equal – it’s important to have activities and interests that you and your spouse share, but it’s just as important to have differences as well. Always respect the fact that you both won’t always like the same things, and that you can go and do things that don’t involve the other.
9. Talk to Each Other! – Communication is key in a relationship! Talk to your spouse, discuss work, friends, stress – everything! If you can’t talk to your spouse, then you have to figure out exactly why. Communication is a building block of love, and if you don’t have that, you need to fix it.
10. Go on Dates – I’m not joking – go out on dates! Find a babysitter if you have kids and go out to eat, to movies, or a nice long walk in the park. Reconnect with each other, and spend a few worry free hours with each other.
Remember, marriage is hard work – and making it work will take a lot of effort for both of you, but it can work, and you can enjoy marital bliss.
For further information, tips and advice on this subject, you might like to check out 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships
1. Make Time – Life is tough, hectic, and unpredictable. With all of the every day stress and pain, it’s hard to make time for one another. But everything seems insignificant if your marriage falls into pieces. You have to make the time to be together, to talk, relax, and reconnect. Make a point once a week to spend a night together, and make sure you never miss it.
2. Show Your Love – Show you love your spouse by giving gifts, compliments, or simply a tight, long, loving embrace every day. A little bit goes a long way, and even your work schedules conflict, or it’s been a long, hectic day, a sweet kiss and a few gentle words will make all the difference in the world. It may seem like something only love sick puppies do, but you know what they say, “The thing you did to get ‘em is the thing you do to keep ‘em.”
3. Don’t Nag – Some people think the more they tell the person to do something, the more motivated that person will be to actually do it, but in relationships, often it’s the opposite. Telling your spouse to do something just before they go to bed and just after they wake up, and all hours between, will not make the person want to do it more! Gently remind your partner about something, but nagging and repeatedly asking will not do anyone any good.
4. Keep the Romance Alive – With many marriages, the heavy load of family, work, and stress makes it hard to keep romance anywhere near. There are small, meaningful things you can do every day that can help you. Sending a small love letter by email, or even writing one out by hand, is something that could mean a lot more then you might know to your spouse. Offer to pamper your spouse with massages or gentle foot rubs after work – without expecting sex to come of it. Let your spouse sleep in late one morning while you do the extra chores, or watch the kids. Little things can mean a lot.
5. Avoid Extra Marital Affairs – Avoid them like the plague! Nothing will hurt a marriage more than having affairs with neighbors, co-workers, or friends! There is always another option, and always keep your spouse, and your spouses feelings, in mind. If you feel the urge to have such affairs, it is very important you and your spouse go through counseling together. It could truly save your marriage.
6. Take Care of You – Spend that extra bit of time on your makeup, or at the gym. It might seem like time wasted to you, but when your spouse comes home and sees you looking great, he’ll want to look at you more often – and you’ll feel better about yourself, too.
7. Communication is Key – Screaming is never okay in a relationship, and neither is getting so angry you can’t think – or see – straight, although I’m sure both happen in the majority of relationships. Sitting down together and talking calmly about the situation at hand is always better than throwing your great grandmother’s china at each other, now isn’t it?
8. Separate But Equal – it’s important to have activities and interests that you and your spouse share, but it’s just as important to have differences as well. Always respect the fact that you both won’t always like the same things, and that you can go and do things that don’t involve the other.
9. Talk to Each Other! – Communication is key in a relationship! Talk to your spouse, discuss work, friends, stress – everything! If you can’t talk to your spouse, then you have to figure out exactly why. Communication is a building block of love, and if you don’t have that, you need to fix it.
10. Go on Dates – I’m not joking – go out on dates! Find a babysitter if you have kids and go out to eat, to movies, or a nice long walk in the park. Reconnect with each other, and spend a few worry free hours with each other.
Remember, marriage is hard work – and making it work will take a lot of effort for both of you, but it can work, and you can enjoy marital bliss.
For further information, tips and advice on this subject, you might like to check out 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
How Compatible Are You?
All your friends say you two are a great couple, are perfect for each other, and will stay together forever. But how compatible are you, really?
There are a few key things you take into consideration when trying to figure out if you’re the perfect couple or not, especially before considering marriage.
Have you taken the time to learn about each other thoroughly? Do you know the other’s hopes? Dreams? Aspirations? If you don’t, you need to! If something in your plans for the future conflicts with those of your partner, you need to discuss this in great deal with your partner. Relationships have ended because one didn’t want children, and one did.
Is your relationship really going anywhere – and be honest, thinking of more than just sex. Are you more than friends who hang out together? Can you hold an intelligent conversation with your other? Sure, you might not quite care now, but of you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, you’ll need to be able to truly talk to one another.
Okay, so in new relationships, most people tend to ignore what they perceive as ‘little’ flaws in their partners, only to find they want to strangle them when they become bigger, nagging problems. Everyone’s done it at one point or another. You have to truly take the time to get to know the other – trust me, you might just save yourself extra marital affairs, minor assaults, and affairs with neighbors, co-workers, and the like.
Face it – your relationship cannot live on sex, going out with friends, and ‘clubbing’ alone. There are layers to a person, and you have to ‘dig deep’ to really find out if you two are Mr. and Mrs. Right-For-Each-Other. You can party; it doesn’t mean you can spend the rest of your life with each other. Don’t overlook qualities you hate because of other qualities.
Fighting – Where Does Natural Bickering Become an Endless Power Struggle?
What do you two argue about? How well, truly, can you get along? In most relationships, fighting happens – it’s just a part of life.
But fighting shouldn’t happen all the time, and not about every little thing. Does it seem like your relationship has turned into a constant struggle for power, or control? Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this – you’re supposed to love and care for one another, with the occasional argument, not the other way around.
One cannot always be in control, because a relationship – or in turn, a marriage – isn’t about power, control, or being more important then the other. You’re partners, which mean that you’re equals. There is no greater, no lesser.
In the end, only the both of you, through getting to know the other inside and out, can decide if you’re right for each other. It’s not something that should be decided after only one day, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. But you can find someone you’re very attracted to, and have great compatibility with – it may not come as soon as you wish it to, but it will come.
For further information, tips and advice on this subject, you might like to check out 1000 Questions For Couples
There are a few key things you take into consideration when trying to figure out if you’re the perfect couple or not, especially before considering marriage.
Have you taken the time to learn about each other thoroughly? Do you know the other’s hopes? Dreams? Aspirations? If you don’t, you need to! If something in your plans for the future conflicts with those of your partner, you need to discuss this in great deal with your partner. Relationships have ended because one didn’t want children, and one did.
Is your relationship really going anywhere – and be honest, thinking of more than just sex. Are you more than friends who hang out together? Can you hold an intelligent conversation with your other? Sure, you might not quite care now, but of you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, you’ll need to be able to truly talk to one another.
Okay, so in new relationships, most people tend to ignore what they perceive as ‘little’ flaws in their partners, only to find they want to strangle them when they become bigger, nagging problems. Everyone’s done it at one point or another. You have to truly take the time to get to know the other – trust me, you might just save yourself extra marital affairs, minor assaults, and affairs with neighbors, co-workers, and the like.
Face it – your relationship cannot live on sex, going out with friends, and ‘clubbing’ alone. There are layers to a person, and you have to ‘dig deep’ to really find out if you two are Mr. and Mrs. Right-For-Each-Other. You can party; it doesn’t mean you can spend the rest of your life with each other. Don’t overlook qualities you hate because of other qualities.
Fighting – Where Does Natural Bickering Become an Endless Power Struggle?
What do you two argue about? How well, truly, can you get along? In most relationships, fighting happens – it’s just a part of life.
But fighting shouldn’t happen all the time, and not about every little thing. Does it seem like your relationship has turned into a constant struggle for power, or control? Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this – you’re supposed to love and care for one another, with the occasional argument, not the other way around.
One cannot always be in control, because a relationship – or in turn, a marriage – isn’t about power, control, or being more important then the other. You’re partners, which mean that you’re equals. There is no greater, no lesser.
In the end, only the both of you, through getting to know the other inside and out, can decide if you’re right for each other. It’s not something that should be decided after only one day, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. But you can find someone you’re very attracted to, and have great compatibility with – it may not come as soon as you wish it to, but it will come.
For further information, tips and advice on this subject, you might like to check out 1000 Questions For Couples
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Mending a Broken Heart
Accepting Your Pain (Part 1 of 10)
If you are unfortunate enough to have had your heart broken, you will know that it is, without doubt, the worst pain in the world. It hurts like hell!
For people caught up in heartbreak it’s devastating, isolating and extremely scary.
Living with a broken heart is one of life’s most dreadful experiences that seems to be one endless, bottomless stream of pain that seems impossible to deal with.
But it can be dealt with and your heart will mend. It’s just that you don’t believe it right now.
There are many situations in which you can feel broken hearted.
• When a partner or a close friend dies.
• When you've been dumped or dumped someone yourself.
• When love is unrequited.
• When a marriage or long term relationship ends.
• When an affair comes to an end.
• When a first love comes to an end.
And maybe losing a first love is the hardest heartbreak of them all to cope with. As children and adults, we are conditioned to believe that nice things happen to nice people and that terrible things happen to just bad people.
Unfortunately, this is not true and it is a fact of life that really terrible things happen to really lovely people.
Whilst having a broken heart is a huge deal when you’re young, it can also be incredibly painful in later life, not least because in these times of living longer, various changes of careers, etc. it is no longer uncommon for a person to have several significant relationships, and for every one that ends, there is likely to be some heartbreak involved.
In the process of feeling “broken hearted” we often become highly illogical in our thoughts, thinking things like “I will never love again” or “no one will ever love me again” or that “my life is over”!
Whilst this kind of negative thinking is quite normal, it isn’t accurate, and by repeating these thoughts to yourself over and over again, you are making yourself feel very much worse than you need be.
In truth, even though you may have suffered a great loss, there is absolutely no reason why you should not love, or be loved, again.
So part of the answer is to try your best to stop making wild assumptions about the future, and just concentrate instead on getting through the awfulness of the present.
You will need to look after yourself both physically and mentally and examine what your broken relationship was really like.
Then, and only then, can you begin to rebuild your social and romantic life.
If you are unfortunate enough to have had your heart broken, you will know that it is, without doubt, the worst pain in the world. It hurts like hell!
For people caught up in heartbreak it’s devastating, isolating and extremely scary.
Living with a broken heart is one of life’s most dreadful experiences that seems to be one endless, bottomless stream of pain that seems impossible to deal with.
But it can be dealt with and your heart will mend. It’s just that you don’t believe it right now.
There are many situations in which you can feel broken hearted.
• When a partner or a close friend dies.
• When you've been dumped or dumped someone yourself.
• When love is unrequited.
• When a marriage or long term relationship ends.
• When an affair comes to an end.
• When a first love comes to an end.
And maybe losing a first love is the hardest heartbreak of them all to cope with. As children and adults, we are conditioned to believe that nice things happen to nice people and that terrible things happen to just bad people.
Unfortunately, this is not true and it is a fact of life that really terrible things happen to really lovely people.
Whilst having a broken heart is a huge deal when you’re young, it can also be incredibly painful in later life, not least because in these times of living longer, various changes of careers, etc. it is no longer uncommon for a person to have several significant relationships, and for every one that ends, there is likely to be some heartbreak involved.
In the process of feeling “broken hearted” we often become highly illogical in our thoughts, thinking things like “I will never love again” or “no one will ever love me again” or that “my life is over”!
Whilst this kind of negative thinking is quite normal, it isn’t accurate, and by repeating these thoughts to yourself over and over again, you are making yourself feel very much worse than you need be.
In truth, even though you may have suffered a great loss, there is absolutely no reason why you should not love, or be loved, again.
So part of the answer is to try your best to stop making wild assumptions about the future, and just concentrate instead on getting through the awfulness of the present.
You will need to look after yourself both physically and mentally and examine what your broken relationship was really like.
Then, and only then, can you begin to rebuild your social and romantic life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
