How to Survive an Affair

An affair is something that can devastate a marriage, and tear two people who where once so very close apart. It is truly one of the most painful things that can happen to a couple.

But you’re not alone – more than half of spouses experience infidelity. A very large percentage of woman and men are forced into excruciating mental pain. But many relationships can survive this painful act, and become stronger – it truly depends on if you can ever trust each other again, and love like you once did.

How Does An Affair Develop?
It causes so much pain – why would anyone inflict something on someone they love and care about?

Affairs most often start with lack of attention in the relationship, due to stress, children, work, or family problems. One member in the relationship feels the need, conscious or subconscious, to look elsewhere for the attention they once felt.

Many find this attention is someone they often see and socialize with – a friend, co-worker, or neighbor. Their comfort and trust with that other person will often turn into something more – it doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you, or doesn’t care anymore. It is something that can happen without the thought of consequences, and without the thought to another.

My Spouse Had Affairs With Neighbors, Co-Workers, or Friends – How Can I Deal With Extra Marital Affairs?
The painful truth is some couples can never recover from an affair. But I strongly warn you against attempting to recover yourselves, if you feel you can continue the marriage – a couples therapist is the best idea.

I know, I know – “A therapist is too expensive”, “A therapist is a stupid idea!”, and of course “Couples therapy would be so embarrassing!” Couples therapy isn’t necessarily expensive (A divorce would surely cost more), and would very much be too expensive to save a marriage?

Counseling is something many, many married couples go through to help strengthen their trust – or to return it to the relationship. It is surely nothing to be ashamed about, and can create a bond between you and your spouse that may be stronger than it ever was.

If you do choose to not explore the option of counseling, and instead attempt to solve this on your own, there are things that might be able to help you.

• Remember that getting so angry with your spouse that you cannot think straight will not help anyone.
• Violence, whether directed at your spouse, your wall, or something else entirely, will never help the situation.
• In the majority of cases, sitting down after you both have had time to calm down and talking about exactly what happened, and where one of you strayed.
• Decide what extra effort both of you can put into the relationship to make it work – after all, a marriage isn’t a one way street. Both of you need to work towards bettering the relationship.
• Relationships take time. This will not heal overnight, and nothing will get better if you don’t accept that it will not come quickly. It might take longer than a year for trust to blossom and grow within the marriage again, so, be patient. If you both work at it, it will come.

Ultimately, you must look into your soul and decide if you can forgive your spouse, learn to trust again, and make your commitment work. These are hard questions, and they will take time, but don’t give up until you get a definite answer, one not based on anger or revenge.


For further information, tips and advice on surviving an affair, you might like to check out Dr Frank Gunzburg's ebook